subota, 26. ožujka 2016.

Three fastest ways of communication

What are the three fastest ways of communication? Three fastest means of communication in the world are:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
4. Tell her not to tell anyone.

subota, 13. veljače 2016.

Strikes a match on Mars

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, ....or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and....NOTHING HAPPENS!! So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you try to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says,.... "It's Shabbos!"

utorak, 18. kolovoza 2015.

Conquer six

Q: "You Beatles have conquered five continents. What do you want to do next?"
Paul and John: "Conquer six."

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece.

On arrival policeman asks her:
- Name?
- Angela Merkel.
- Occupation?
- No, just visiting.

nedjelja, 26. srpnja 2015.

Maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!


srijeda, 22. travnja 2015.

How was your day?

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?

nedjelja, 29. ožujka 2015.

Easter jokes

What do you call a bunny with a large brain? An egghead. What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick! So, Easter commemorates when Jesus hid eggs for the disciples to find, and then he turned all the rabbits into chocolate, right? Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From Eggplants. What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled! Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator! Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them! What day does an Easter egg hate the most? Fry-days. What kind of bunny can’t hop? A chocolate one! Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken! Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny! Q: Why was the little girl sad after the race? A: Because an egg beater! Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? A: a hot cross bunny Q: How do bunnies stay healthy? A: Eggercise Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking the chickens! Q: Why won't Easter eggs go out at night? A: They don't want to get "beat up". Q: Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex? A: Because he has cotton balls. Q: Why couldn’t the Easter egg family watch T.V.? A: Because their cable was scrambled. Q: What do you call a mischievous egg? A: A practical yolker Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbits foot with poison ivy? A: a rash of good luck. Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants? A: A smarty pants. Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around? A: Hoppy Easter! Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny? A: By hare mail! Q: Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal? A: They're both famous for stuffing baskets! Q: Where does the easter bunny eat breakfast? A: at Ihop Q: How long does the Easter Bunny like to party? A: Around the cluck! Q: What happened to the egg when he was tickled too much? A: He cracked up. Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A: A receding hareline. Q: What do you call a sleepy Easter egg? A: Egg-zosted! Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset? A: He was having a bad hare day! Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? A: With a hare dryer! Q: "Why are you studying your Easter candy?" A: "I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!" Q: What do you get when you find a rabbit with no hair? A: A hairless hare! Q: Why are people always tired in April? A: Because they just finished a march Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny caught his head in the fan? A: It took ears off his life! Q: What's red and blue and sogs up your Easter basket? A: Coloured scrambled eggs! Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road? A: Because it was the chicken's day off. Q: What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket? A: Two points, just like anyone else. Q: How can you find the Easter bunny? A: Eggs (x) marks the spot. Q: What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken? A: The very first rabbit to lay an egg! Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head? A: Because he had a eggache! (headache) Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hop down the road? A: He was making the Movie Q: What's pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny? A: His lucky people's foot! Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work? A: Tired. Q: What's the Easter Bunnys favorite Story? A: A Cotton Tale Q: Why was the Easter Bunny arrested? A: He was charged with Hare-assment! Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot? A: It's been nice gnawing at you. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin? A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes? A: Your one hot chick! Q: What did the bunny put over his sore? A: A eggage. Q: What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes "hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM"? A: The Easter Elephant. Q: What do ducks have for lunch? A: Soup and quackers! Q: What has long ears, four legs, and is worn on your head? A: An Easter bunnet! Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered? A: Because he is eggocentric. (egocentric) Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter? A: In the dictionary. Q: How do you catch the Easter Bunny? A: Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot! Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape? A: Hareobics. Q: What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? A: 14 carrot gold. Q: How do you start the Easter parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street! Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack? A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops. Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter? A: Hoppy Easter! Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show? A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it. Q: What type of movie is about water fowl? A: A duckumentary. Q: What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit bill? A: One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny! Q: What's long and stylish and full of cats? A: The Easter Purrade! Q: What is the end of Easter? A: The letter R. Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in? A: Mallardjusted. Q: Why is the letter A like a flower? A: A bee comes after it Q: Why did the egg go to the baseball game? A: For the egg-stra innings! Q: What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? A: They lived hoppily ever after! Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade? A: Hot, cross bunnies. Q: What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital? A: Albunny, New York! Q: What do you call an egg from outer space? A: An "Egg-stra terrestial". Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? A: Napoleon Bunnyparte! Q: What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport? A: Basket-ball, of course! Q: Why didn't the easter egg cross the road? A: Because he wasn't a chicken yet! Q: Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? A: To a re-tail store! Q: Who is the Easter Bunny's favourite movie actor? A: Rabbit De Niro! Q: What kind of jokes do eggs tell? A: Egg yolks! Q: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball? A: Oh, yes. He's a rabbit fan! Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person? A: An Easter basket case! Q: What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees? A: The Easter Bunana! Q: Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?" A: "Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it in my ears." Q: Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny who sat on a bee? A: It's a tender tail! Q: Why does the Easter bunny giggle when he plays soccer? A: Cause the grass tickles his balls Q: Why was the monster sitting in his Easter basket? A: He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs! Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear? A: You need an eggsplanation! Q: What's big and purple and hugs your Easter basket? A: The Easter Barney! Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs? A: He hires Santa's elves during the off-season. Q: How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape? A: He does lots of hare-obics. Q: What sport are the eggs good at? A: Running! Q: What's the difference between the Easter Bunny and a silly monster ? A: One's a hare-head and the other's an air-head! Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food? A: Hop suey! Q: Why was the father Easter egg so strict? A: He was hard-boiled. Q: Where does the Easter Bunny study medicine? A: John HOPkins Q: What did the mommy egg say to the baby egg? A: You're "Egg-stra special". If Easter Egg hunting was an Olympic event, I would have a Gold Medal by now. That awkward moment when Lady Gaga pops out of one of the eggs you find on Easter. Easter, Is going eggstatic! Easter dinner was great.... I’m Egg-zosted! I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy. On Easter, I rather fall in chocolate eggs than in love. The best part of Easter is the day after when all the chocolate goes on sale. Gurl, when you walked into Church this Sunday, Christ isn’t the only thing that’s rising. Tell your kids you hid an Easter egg with $50 in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors. If you buy me a hollow chocolate bunny for easter, you're dead to me. My parents accused me of being a liar. I looked them in the face & said, ''Tooth fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny'' & walked away like a boss. Easter Vigil A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The parishioner replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." Easter Knock Knock Jokes Knock, knock! Who's there? Alma. Alma who? Alma Easter candy is gone. Can I have some more? Knock, knock! Who's there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any more eggs to decorate? Knock, knock! Who's there? Donna. Donna who? Donna want to decorate some eggs? Knock, knock! Who's there? Harvey. Harvey who? Harvey good Easter everyone. Knock, knock! Who's there? Heidi. Heidi who? Heidi the eggs around the house. Knock, knock! Who's there? Howard. Howard who? Howard you like a chocolate bunny? Knock, knock! Who's there? Police. Police who? Police hurry up and decorate your eggs.