utorak, 24. prosinca 2013.

Perfect Christmas tree

Two funny blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were so determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and weren’t even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

ponedjeljak, 16. prosinca 2013.

Strange symptoms

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. “She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.” The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?” “No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!” The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?” “No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”

The good wifes guide

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. - Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. - Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. - Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. - Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables. - Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. - Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. - Be happy to see him. - Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. - Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. - Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. - Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself. - Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. - Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. - Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. - Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice. - Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. - A good wife always knows her place.

nedjelja, 8. prosinca 2013.

Lawn mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf…

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors…

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute,

and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors says I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Good people in Russia

One Ukrainian talk to other:
- "Why do you keep cursing Russians? There are a lot of good people in Russia."
- "OK. give me at least one?"
- "Gerard Depardieu"

Pregnancy

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Let it snow

One winter morning a husband and wife in southern Winnipeg
were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say:

“We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied:

“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?

After all, she’s my wife

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff’s neighborhood.

“How often a week do you sleep with your wife?” asked the inquirer.

“Three times,” Jeff said without hesitation.

“That is once more often than your neighbor,” the inquirer said, writing.

“That makes sense,” Jeff said, “after all, she’s my wife.”

California school system

- Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California’s schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. (Conan O’Brien)

- One half who graduate from college never read another book. (G. M. Trevelyan)

Yes or No

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call.

Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

petak, 6. prosinca 2013.

Dead cat

Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat*… he flattened the cat.
Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.
When the housewife came to the door, he said, “Pardon me madam, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off….”
“Not so fast”, she says. “How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?”
The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said “He looks like that” as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
“Oh no, you horrible man”, she replied. “I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?”
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed “Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!”

Snow

One winter morning a husband and wife in southern Winnipeg
were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say:
“We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her
face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied:
“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?

srijeda, 4. prosinca 2013.

Outhouse

Man goes to his son and asks ‘Did you tip over the outhouse’? Son says, ‘Father, I cannot tell a lie: I tipped over the outhouse into the creek’. Father says ‘That’s it, you’re going to the woodshed for some serious ass-whuppin!’ ‘But Father, George Washington told his dad the truth about chopping down the cherry tree and didn’t get punished!’ ‘George Washington’s father wasn’t IN the cherry tree!’

Bus driver

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. “Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.” The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. “Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise. “Ha, ha! I’m the man from the bus!” “Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”

Bad luck

A devoted wife spent a lifetime taking care of her husband. He had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses he motioned for her to come near. As she say by him he said “you know what? you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, when my business failed, when I got shot, when we lost the house, when I got sick, you were always there to support me and you know what?” “What my dear?” “You’re freaking bad luck”

Sherlock Holmes camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

ponedjeljak, 2. prosinca 2013.

Friendship

Friendship between women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

High tech milking machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic ! ! He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier ‘ s Customer Service Hot Line. “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It’s fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow’s udder?” Customer Service replied, “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk. “

2 men camping

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.” The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?” The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.” “Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a BJ, too?” “Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”

3 Guys in bar

The first guy walks up to the bar and sits down. The bartender asks him what hes drinking? The man says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.” The bartender then reaches behind the bar and after a couple seconds the bartender hands him and apple. “What the hell is this?! I asked you for a rum and coke, damnit!” the bartender looks to him and says, “Trust me, just eat.” “No way man this is an apple, I want my drink!” “Trust me,” says the bartender. So the guy decides, ehh why not and bites into it. “Whoa!” he exclaims. “That tastes like rum!!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. And so he does. “Whoa!!” he exclaims again, “this side tastes like coke! That’s amazing how did you do that?” The bartender says nothing and gives the man a wink. The second guy walks in, sits down and orders a gin and tonic. then goes through the same thing as the first, and finally bites into it. “Whoa!!” he says, “that tastes like gin!” “Flip it over,” says the bartender. “That tastes like tonic! Thats amazing!” And now the third guy walks up, with the first two explaining to him how awesome this bartender is. “These apples taste just like the drinks we ordered!” exclaimed the first. “He can make it taste like anything you want!” says the second guy. “Anything?” the third guy asks? “Well Mr. Bartender, in that case, I want one that tastes like pussy!” Thinking he had him stumped the bartender shrugs, and after a couple seconds hands him an apple. He bites into it and immediately spits it out, “This apple tastes like Shit!!” he yelled. The bartender replies, “flip it over.”