Valentine's Day Jokes

What did the valentines day card say to the stamp? Stick with me and you'll go places

 

 What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hogs and kisses! 

 

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you! 

 

What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!" 

 

 What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independance Day

 

 What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

 

 What's the best part about Valentines Day? The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

 

 Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!

 

 Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

 

 What is another way of saying Happy Valentines day! S.A.D, Singles Awareness Day!

 

 What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you!" 

 

 Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank? It was a case of guppy love. 

 

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts! 

 

What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love? A stupid cupid! 

 

 What do you call a very small valentine? A valentiny!

 

 What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"

 

 What did the paper clip say to the magnet? "I find you very attractive." 

 

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche! 

 

What did one pickle say to the other? "You mean a great dill to me." 

 

 Knock, Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you! 

 

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!"

 

 What did the bat say to his girlfriend? "You're fun to hang around with." 

 

What happened when the man fell in love with his garden? It made him wed his plants!

 

 Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! 

 

 Why did the stupid boy put clothes on the valentines he was sending? Because they needed to be ad-dressed!

 

 What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? To remind single people they are single. 

 

 Why is Valentine's Day the best day for a celebration? Because you can really party hearty!

 

 What did one oar say to the other? "Can I interest you in a little row-mance?" 

 

What did the pencil say to the paper? "I dot my i's on you!" 

 

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!

 

 Do you have a date for valentines day? Yes, February 14th 

 

You wanna hear a joke? Valentine's Day

Donald trump jokes

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education? By renaming it Trump University. 

 

What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy? "Let me see your birth certificate"

 

. If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

 

 The Trump Card Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants? Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades! 

 

 El Chapo only escaped from prison to have a "talk" with Trump. 

 

What does Melania see in Donald Trump? "Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"

 

 Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts. 

 

Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President? By hunting and killing their own hair piece.

 

 Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania? Because all his other wives support Hillary.

 

 Fear is the Path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, and Hate leads to the Republican Nomination. Trump: "It's not a toupee, I just found the Bush that Jeb lost." 

 

What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president? Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!

 

 What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats? Donald Trump.

 

What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do? Make America Hate Again. 

 

 What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about? All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts.

Three fastest ways of communication

What are the three fastest ways of communication? Three fastest means of communication in the world are:
1. Tele-phone
2. Tele-vision
3. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
4. Tell her not to tell anyone.

Strikes a match on Mars

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet. "Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, ....or nothing happens." He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms... "No, no, don't!" The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: "No, no, don't do that!" One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars." So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and....NOTHING HAPPENS!! So he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you try to prevent us from striking a match?" The leader of the Martians says,.... "It's Shabbos!"

Conquer six

Q: "You Beatles have conquered five continents. What do you want to do next?"
Paul and John: "Conquer six."

Angela Merkel visits Greece

Angela Merkel visits Greece.

On arrival policeman asks her:
- Name?
- Angela Merkel.
- Occupation?
- No, just visiting.

Maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered.
They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 .THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!