If i were a carpenter

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?” The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!” The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

Marriage tips and tricks

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now! She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off… She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

How to get rid of telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died… “ 3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?” 5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?” 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?” 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOD!” and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” and proceed to hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.” 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?” 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder! 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Tre tre tre

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened. The blonde began, “It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another …” The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, “Mam … I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.”

Things you wouldnt know without movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. -No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. -Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. -When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. -You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. -Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. -An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. -Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Black or white

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. “Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge. “Toilette pepper!”

Too much fancy work

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Everyone of the recipes began the same way: ‘Take a clean dish.”

Top ten signs you are addicted to the internet

1. You kiss your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s home page. 2. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 3. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. 4. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. 5. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. 6. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop. 7. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap… and your child in the overhead compartment. 8. All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8… ISDN… cable modem… T1… T3… 9. And even your night dreams are in HTML. 10. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

Old man goes to France

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. “You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. “Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.” The British gentleman says, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.” “Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!” The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: ”Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to.”

Flying saucer

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. “Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered. “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!” The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for six years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means ’Unleaded Fuel Only.’”

Yes or No

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said “yes”. The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…” After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. “Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”